I Want my Mummy.

I think the sound of a phone ringing late at night or first thing in the morning is the most terrifying sound ever.

And that's how I woke up yesterday.

My grandparents number showed up on the call display, and as they were still in Florida, I figured it was my sister calling to tell me that they had a leak at their house when she was checking on it.

I was wrong.

It was my grandma.  She was calling to let me know that they were home.  A month and a bit early.  Just because.  She didn't want me or my sister to worry when we drove by and saw their car in the driveway.  She told us they were very tired and not up for visitors that day, but that we could come by another time.

My grandma didn't sound like my grandma.  The minute I heard her voice, I knew something was wrong.  This was confirmed when  I called my sister who said grandma sounded weird on the phone to her too - if you know my sister, you know that it must be obvious if she picked up on it (I love her, but she's not the first to pick up on emotional cues...)

Under normal circumstances, I likely would have been told by my mum that they were home.  However, under normal circumstances, my mum would not be on holidays in Rotan for the next 9 days.  So, what does any level headed, almost 29 year old woman do in light of a potential familial disaster?

Burst into tears and tell my husband that I want my mummy.  That's what.

Mature?  Not so much.  But you have to understand, when it comes to my grandparents, the thought of  ANYTHING being wrong makes me beyond upset.  I'm even teary right now as I'm writing this.  I kept thinking, Why now?!  I'm not equipped to deal with whatever the world has to throw at me!  I can't handle illness or death or whatever else may be the reason that they are home early...This is MUM stuff!  I need my mum!!

And then another thought hit me...this is what it will be like when she's gone forever- no one to turn to when I need help or advice, . Morbid thought?  Absolutely, but she's not going to live forever.

It was at this point I completely lost my shit, burst into tears again and decided that whoever decided to put us on this earth only to screw around with us this way was cruel.

And then I heard my mothers voice in the back of my head saying, pull yourself together, your acting like a baby.

So I stopped and tried to calm down and in a very uncharacteristically systematic way, I decided to do everything I thought my absent mother would do in this situation.

Stay calm.
Be present.
Do everything in my power to help in any way I can.

That's really all I can do.

Until today, I had never really thought about what it would be like to lose my parents or my grandparents, for that matter.  They've always been there - but mortality is something we all have to deal with.  What is it that they say - the only things in life that are sure are debt and death?    I guess the true test of your upbringing is when those who raised you are no longer there to offer guidance - and though at this point I am still fortunate enough to have 90% of my family still alive and accounted for, the thought of being set adrift in the sea of life without a map or a compass is, perhaps, the most frightening thought I've ever had.  I'm terrified.

I just hope that when the day comes that my mum is no longer with us, I still hear her voice in my head guiding me along the way.

As for my grandparents, I do not feel comfortable sharing the reasons for their early exodus from Florida.  Needless to say, I am so glad they are home and safe and if you happen to keep them in your thoughts and prayers, I would be ever grateful.

I'm a little beside myself at the moment, and I feel oddly better having written this down.

Thank you for reading it. xo

Comfort food...

I have neglected my kitchen in the last couple weeks.

I haven't cooked.  I haven't cleaned.  I have generally lost interest in all things related to food in general.

Tonight, however, after a productive afternoon of laundry, I decided to treat myself to some comfort food, sans husband (he's working tonight)

So, I whipped up a quick, easy pasta dish that is full of delicious veggies - the perfect end to a busy day!

Balsamic Chicken Alfredo with Mediterranean Vegetables

Boil up some pasta - I like to use whole wheat penne or fusilli.  Cook according to package directions, drain. 

Grill or pan sear a chicken breast (or two, if you want to share with someone else!)

Chop up and stir fry: 

1 red onion

1 small zucchini

1 small eggplant

1/2 a red bell pepper OR 2 large roasted red peppers (from a jar)

To the stir fried veggies, add 1 jar of alfredo sauce - I like to use Classico mushroom alfredo sauce.

Then add 1/2 cup of Balsamic salad dressing.  Bring to a simmer.  Add pasta.  Plate and add a chicken breast.  I like to serve mine with freshly grated asiago cheese.  Voila!  Enjoy!

It's been a very, very rough week.

Rough enough that more than once, I thought about changing careers, becoming a hermit or just hopping on a plane, changing my name and forgetting everything about this "Stephanie" person (by the way, she clearly sucks).

Hello pitty party.

But in the midst of all of this self indulgence, I heard the voice of my Grandmama in the back of my head saying, "Oh honey, whenever God closes a door, he opens a window.  Things will get better, just have faith in yourself and be thankful for all of the things you have."

And so, for this post, rather than dwelling on all the things that have made me fall off the rails this week, I will focus on 10 things that I am thankful for.

10.  Good books.  I mean, really good books.  Books that change the way I look at the world and challenge my preconceptions.  

9.  Music of almost any possible kind because it is food for the soul.

8.  Sweet red wine.  It's perfect.

7.  A cold beer on a hot day.  There is NOTHING better. :)

6.  Our great nation - that it is even possible for me to be sitting here with food in my belly, a roof over my head, a relatively stable government worrying about my wants rather than my needs.

5.  A hot bath.

4.  My Grandmama.  She is my hero.  She is the most cultured, loving and generous woman I have ever had the privilege of knowing.  If someday I am half the woman she is, I will be doing just fine.

3.  My friends who love me dearly for all my foibles and for whom I would do anything.  I may not have a thousand friends, but the ones I have are the best of the best.

2.  My sister - because although we fight (a lot) and we rarely see eye to eye (on anything) and sometimes, it's as if she's from another planet (Mars??)   I know that in the whole world, there is no one who would stick up for me more.  She's like a pitbull.

1.  My husband who loves me unconditionally, who tells me that I'm not as horrible as I think I am and makes me dinner, on his birthday because I've had a shitty day at work.  Yes, it's quite possible I am the worst wife ever, but I know how lucky I am.


In the words of Buddha:
"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful."